||[Feb. 14th, 2004|04:10 am]
FUCK. My phone has been majorly fucking up lately, so I can't make/receive calls or messages. My battery died after leaving it off the charger for a few hours, but when I turned it back on, miraculously it worked. So I read through my text messages and listened to voicemail...
Who do I hear from, but Toshi.
It's only been 6 weeks since I last heard from him.
I want to cry, but I can't. I feel like the tears should come, but they aren't. I'm a mixture of limbo between crying, and being shocked.
I'm so wrecked. What a lovely message to hear on Valentine's Day. x_x;
I just smoked two cigarettes in a row after hearing that. I want to light another one now. The message was some mumbojumbo about not being in California or some fucking shit. I dunno.
I guess what kills me, aside from the 6 weeks of no-contact, is the fact that i'm going to Illinois soon to visit a friend, who I know likes me (and vice versa). Then i'm starting to talk to a guy I met on Yahoo! Personals... it's just a mess.
Mathowamew: What was it that bothered you so bad about it?
Shinwa Chou: C'mon. Think about it.
Shinwa Chou: Someone just doesn't contact you for 6 weeks.
Shinwa Chou: After you sent them an email asking a bazillion questions.
Shinwa Chou: Just especially the 6 weeks of no contact shit alone.
Mathowamew: -.- Been there. Done that.
Shinwa Chou: But see.. I was like.. pretty much moved on.
Shinwa Chou: Given up on him.
Shinwa Chou: Hell, I had sex with some guy I met once or twice, not caring if I ever heard from him (Toshi) again.
Shinwa Chou: I was getting ready to start school, and get a place, and generally get my life in order here in Florida, until I graduate massage school at least.
Shinwa Chou: Ditching the idea of going back to California.
Mathowamew: But the old flame reignited.
Shinwa Chou: I had so many bad dreams lately, about him calling or visiting, and just being a total asshole as to why he never contacted me all this time.
Shinwa Chou: But yeah..
fukaku shizumari kaeru... tsutsumikomareta sora to karada o kogasu taiyou, anata ga kieteiku
nani o motome samayou no? hitorikiri no boku wa...
It all becomes completely quiet... from the enwrapped sky and the sun that scorches the body, you are vanishing
What do you wander, searching for? As for myself, all alone...
sameta hitomi no oku de nikushimi o dakishimenagara
jibun o urandemo itami wa kie wa shinai
eien ni ikiru kanashimi o dakishimete
Inside of cold eyes that are embracing hatred
Even if you despise yourself, the pain will not vanish
Embrace the eternal sadness
kieta kimi o omoitsuzukeru koto shika dekinakute
boku no kawaru koto no nai kimi e no omoi wa
fukaku fukaku ima mo,
I can only keep remembering you who disappeared
My unchanging feelings towards you
Deeply deeply even now,
Yes...I love you
tsuki akari ni terasarete kuchizusanda kimi no na mo kaze ni sarawarete kieta
Illuminated by the moonlight, the wind even snatches away your name that I sing to myself
yoake ni hohoemu kimi ga oshietekureta ano uta o utaitsuzuke
hoshizora ni kaeru namida o kazoeteta
nando mo nando mo tada kurikaeshiteita yoru
aa, fukaku fukaku ima mo
I keep singing that song that you taught me, smiling in the dawn
We were counding the tears that returned to the starry sky
That night just repeated over and over again
Ahh, deeply deeply even now
Yes...I love you