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I am so gonna hate the rest of this week... - 神話蝶 [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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I am so gonna hate the rest of this week... [Aug. 24th, 2010|06:34 am]
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 ...or longer, who knows.

After I woke up from a nap this [or yesterday?] afternoon, me and Eric headed out with Dan to go hang out for a while. At first we went to the Dunedin Marina, and probably would have stayed there longer but they got hungry so we left to go to O'Keefe's. It was still pretty early by our standards by the time we left the restaurant, and I personally wasn't so ready to call it a night, so after we got back to Eric's place I was glad when they themselves suggested sitting out by the big lake at the back of the community. But after a bit, it started raining and none of us thought it would be a very light drizzle, so it started raining fairly steadily on us as we hurried back to Eric's and Dan likewise to his car to go home. I have a good feeling we would have stayed out by the lake longer if it wasn't for the rain. :( So being rained out was the first thing that ruined the rest of what would have been [for me, at least] a perfect night.

As Eric was heading inside, I said I was going to stay outside for just a little bit longer to have my last smokes of the night before I also planned on going inside to get ready for bed. While I was still outside, though, Stephanie texted me asking "Hey, what's up?" She never calls or texts after midnight, so I knew something had to be wrong. I texted back before I called, but a few minutes later when I did call she explained the situation and she said that she needed a ride to the hospital. I asked how bad it was before I assessed what I was gonna do and if I would even be able to help. I went inside and asked Eric if there was any way he could take his grandma's car to go to Tampa [from Clearwater] and help her out. He said no, so I asked if he could give me a ride to my mom's. Up until this point I had no intention of coming back home, having planned on staying one more night at his place before I had to go back home [as school starts for me/us this week]. But I knew if he drove me home so I could take my mom's car to help Steph out, that due to logistical reasons I'd be unable to return to his place for the night. As I hadn't planned on coming home tonight, I didn't really have the time to drag all my stuff that I'd brought over there over the past few weeks from my place back home. I had to help her out, but I was still really disappointed I couldn't spend one more night with him. [The way my schedule is this fall pretty much prevents me from seeing him at all at the very least from Monday through Wednesday, perhaps Thursday, mostly owing to the way the bus system's schedules run around here.] :-(

So, anyway, I guess he was willing to drive if it weren't for the fact he was tired. I then half-heartedly suggested I would have driven, except his grandma doesn't really like him using her car as it is, much less letting me drive it. But, that's alright. It's understandable. So I got home and into my mom's car then left. Took her to St Joseph's Hospital. We got through triage pretty quick, so I had some hope once we got into the ER and see a doctor that that would've gone quick too. Nope. If I still had Eric's car, I wouldn't have cared so much about hurrying back home [or back to his place], but as it was I couldn't stay long enough to see the treatment through and bring her back home. Thankfully James was able to come pick her up after she was/is done there. I felt bad about leaving her there even though she had a back-up ride, but still. She was okay, but they did CAT scans in case since she has eye issues and stuff and wanted to make sure the incident that got her there didn't mess those up somehow among other [minor] things. Go figure, she got taken in for the CAT scan they took forever to coming around to get her for right after I left. Geez. 

So, with that in mind with being rained out earlier totally killed what I considered a rare "perfect night", but I'm not mad at Steph for that. I did what I felt a good friend had to do for a good friend truly in need. Earlier in the day before we all went out was bad for me, as after I woke up for the day I was still sleepy so Eric let me pass out for a little bit longer, and when he went to wake me up saying "I have to go somewhere, get up!" I totally overreacted against him assuming he was hinting at me going home, so I got into a depressive fit and started angrily chucking my shit back into bags, then going back to having an anxiety/depressive attack. I felt bad about being like that as it really wasn't about him, but more like me taking out my worries that I'd been bottling up inside me and taking them out onto him, without explaining what was "hanging me up". So I was happy when after I calmed down that he said I could come along [I'm still unsure if he obliged out of pity for me or if it's what he'd planned from the get-go]. I've still gotta continue working through my issues of refusing to share my problems with people out of fear they'll think I'm blowing things out of proportion and being stupid, or whatever else reasons I could've thought of. When I realize I'm beating myself over things that can be easily dealt with and really aren't as big a deal as I tend to make them out to be, instead of making me feel better, it often just makes me worse by subsequently pushing me even further into a depressive rather than anxious spiral. I'd thought up recently a method or mantra or whatever that I *knew* would work if I'd just actually apply it, but when I get like how I just described -- you know, one tends to not care about doing that and just staying in that funk. The cause of my behavior like that during the past few days stemmed from suddenly arising self-defeatist views that I just won't be able to anything right or any number of similar things. Things like keeping up with it all -- it started with the excitement about the new semester starting turning into fears that somehow I'll fuck it up by being lazy/procrastinating or just not time managing shit properly to accommodate classes or homework or keeping up with various other aspects of life that NEED my attention and get done. Shit like that.

As far as what I stated earlier in this post, I often forget the very concept of "routines" are more ingrained and important to me than I've ever realized. Or rather, not being as adaptable as I used to be when things don't go exactly or even as closed to planned. I'm not sure why I've become that way, but for whatever reason it just has. 

I suppose that sums up my day/night without rambling into more detail, but all I can say is that I'm really gonna hate the next 7 days [or longer, it depends, we'll see] especially after the semi-craziness tonight. I just hope it's not as bad as I think.

I really hate my tendencies to assume worst-case scenarios. Sometimes it good, but not when it becomes a chronic issue that fuels my anxiety issues. Anxiety attacks tend to just make me shut down, so to speak, instead of being encouragement to tackle the problems immediately or whatnot.

Eh, that's the end [for now]. (I reaaaally need to get into [among other (bad) habits] of reaching out to people and talking about problems and stuff and/or at least typing it up in a form of journal medium much like LJ or something.)