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Damned if I do, damned if I don't [May. 12th, 2010|04:46 pm]
Last year, I was forced to go through two appeals to get my financial aid for college reinstated after a string of semesters where I failed virtually all (but for a few) classes due to various circumstances, most notably including my dad's heart attack and later death plus the diagnosis of ADD just a few weeks after he died.

During the past two semesters (including the spring semester that just ended), I've been doing markedly better considering no circumstances adversely affecting me compared to the recent past. Between all classes I've taken between the past two semesters, I only failed one class with all the other classes having gotten As/Bs in. I'm finally being treated for ADD, which is the main culprit in why I'm doing better at school now (I know I ain't stupid, but it really doesn't help having a bonafide attention disorder), and this is the thanks I get?

Now it looks like I'm gonna have to battle with the school again over getting my financial aid back. This upcoming school year should be my last at St Petersburg College, where I can finally attain my A.A. Degree and finally move on to the University of South Florida to earn a bachelor's degree. They just recalculated my SAP recently (Standards of Academic Progress), and they had the audacity to suspend my financial aid again because of my 'Completion Ratio' requirement "not being met" (not even probation, straight to suspension). And this is after they sent me a letter in the mail praising me for finally reaching "Good Academic Standing" (one of the things I had to fulfill after my financial aid being reinstated for the current academic year was getting my cumulative GPA back up over 2.0 -- which I did, to 2.3). I did what they required of me--now I'm being punished for finally succeeding in my coursework despite all the fucking up I did early in my college career because of whatever setbacks I had to go through?

I can't win. I don't think I'll be able to appeal or otherwise get them to pull their heads out of their asses to give me my financial aid back, considering I have no extenuating circumstances other than them being fucking dickheads for taking away my school money for finally succeeding in the face of adversity.

I don't have any alternative ways of funding my schooling. My credit history is still reeling from the bankruptcy I filed a couple years or so ago, I ain't got no parents with money, and I can't even find a job to work my way through school. I just want to smack the fucking shit out of people to high heaven who bitch about not finding [stable] work. I've been looking for work since even after returning to school (and after leaving Walgreens), with absolutely no luck. I want to smack the whiners because at least most of them are landing interviews--I'm not even getting so much as that.

Everytime something in life knocks me down [which seems to be often], I pick myself back up and keep trying--but the efforts are proving absolutely fruitless. Shit blows up in my face no matter what I do.

I am never going to amount to anything. I can't keep a [good] stable job, much less one that pays well enough for me to finally move out of my mom's and make it in the world on my own. I've never been able to be self-sufficient [keeping own residence, et cetera] enough for, among many other reasons, to have my daughter live with me either full-time or part-time.

I can't get on my feet long enough to raise my daughter, to be self-sufficient and have my own place, or as I said any number of other valid and important reasons. I'm just a big fucking failure who has not a shred of luck or whatever. I have not a god damn thing to show for my life at all--which is why my other friends who gripe about their shit should be thankful for the fact that despite whatever their problems are, at least they have more things to show for their lives than I do. Me? Flunked high school twice (well, "flunked" is too strong, but eh, I digress and that's another story), kept failing most of my college classes because of as yet then undiagnosed ADD, as I said unable to keep a [good, decent paying] stable job, and so on. Still living at my mom's, with the exception of when I lived with Olivia's father [even then, I was never enough "on my feet" to contribute towards anything such as household expenses or such], so what is it that I have to show for my life, other than my dad's remaining family thinking I'm a serious fuck-up as they saw him and as they similarly must think of me just because I'm his daughter?

Fuck my life.