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桜井香津美

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Writer's Block: Knowledge is power [Aug. 25th, 2010|03:35 am]
桜井香津美
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[Current Mood |blankblank]
[Current Music |Katy Perry - Hummingbird Heartbeat | Powered by Last.fm]

What subject you like to become more knowledgeable about, and why?


See, science is inherently fascinating to me, mostly in the life sciences. I think chemistry is also extremely interesting in the way molecules assemble to become a particular something.

Unfortunately, virtually all science fields require math. Thankfully, the program I've chosen to pursue (B.S. in Medical Technology -- basically an "advanced" medical laboratory technician) only requires commonly taken math courses like college algebra and statistics, nothing crazier than that. (Writing is my strong suit, although I hate writing. Go figure, I'm good at what I hate doing, and bad at what I wish I was [naturally] good at.)

But even so, no major or any type of higher educational endeavor can escape the clutches of mathematics. Even the social sciences which I had originally intended to pursue do require math (although nothing considered advanced, I think). Nothing is immune, and most people don't even consciously realize how often in their daily lives that they use math. I didn't come to that realization myself until recently, after flunking pre-algebra 3 times, elementary algebra twice, and currently on my second attempt at intermediate algebra. One day it just dawned on me that some random thing I'd been thinking about used algebraic concepts.

So with all that said, I wish math was something I could become more knowledgeable about, especially with remembering formulas. (I dread word problems. waaah.)

Although I also wish I had a more natural ability to pick up new languages in a similar vein as writing. (I can totally write a 2000 word term paper from SCRATCH in 8 hours [max] and get A's on them. Haha.)

:-)
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Absolutely motherfucking livid beyond all god-damned belief [Aug. 24th, 2010|03:17 pm]
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[Current Mood |pissed offpissed off]

I am way beyond fucking livid. All summer long, the college website's academic calendar *CLEARLY* stated that start of fall semester was (today) Tues Aug 24. I had even looked back to make sure several times. Re-read an email from SPC about my speech class being wrongly marked as "express" class and that it had started today. That email was dated on Monday, which meant I unwittingly missed ALL my classes on Monday (4 of 5 are Mon/Wed). WTF WTF WTF.
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I am so gonna hate the rest of this week... [Aug. 24th, 2010|06:34 am]
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[Current Mood |numbnumb]

 ...or longer, who knows.

After I woke up from a nap this [or yesterday?] afternoon, me and Eric headed out with Dan to go hang out for a while. At first we went to the Dunedin Marina, and probably would have stayed there longer but they got hungry so we left to go to O'Keefe's. It was still pretty early by our standards by the time we left the restaurant, and I personally wasn't so ready to call it a night, so after we got back to Eric's place I was glad when they themselves suggested sitting out by the big lake at the back of the community. But after a bit, it started raining and none of us thought it would be a very light drizzle, so it started raining fairly steadily on us as we hurried back to Eric's and Dan likewise to his car to go home. I have a good feeling we would have stayed out by the lake longer if it wasn't for the rain. :( So being rained out was the first thing that ruined the rest of what would have been [for me, at least] a perfect night.

As Eric was heading inside, I said I was going to stay outside for just a little bit longer to have my last smokes of the night before I also planned on going inside to get ready for bed. While I was still outside, though, Stephanie texted me asking "Hey, what's up?" She never calls or texts after midnight, so I knew something had to be wrong. I texted back before I called, but a few minutes later when I did call she explained the situation and she said that she needed a ride to the hospital. I asked how bad it was before I assessed what I was gonna do and if I would even be able to help. I went inside and asked Eric if there was any way he could take his grandma's car to go to Tampa [from Clearwater] and help her out. He said no, so I asked if he could give me a ride to my mom's. Up until this point I had no intention of coming back home, having planned on staying one more night at his place before I had to go back home [as school starts for me/us this week]. But I knew if he drove me home so I could take my mom's car to help Steph out, that due to logistical reasons I'd be unable to return to his place for the night. As I hadn't planned on coming home tonight, I didn't really have the time to drag all my stuff that I'd brought over there over the past few weeks from my place back home. I had to help her out, but I was still really disappointed I couldn't spend one more night with him. [The way my schedule is this fall pretty much prevents me from seeing him at all at the very least from Monday through Wednesday, perhaps Thursday, mostly owing to the way the bus system's schedules run around here.] :-(

So, anyway, I guess he was willing to drive if it weren't for the fact he was tired. I then half-heartedly suggested I would have driven, except his grandma doesn't really like him using her car as it is, much less letting me drive it. But, that's alright. It's understandable. So I got home and into my mom's car then left. Took her to St Joseph's Hospital. We got through triage pretty quick, so I had some hope once we got into the ER and see a doctor that that would've gone quick too. Nope. If I still had Eric's car, I wouldn't have cared so much about hurrying back home [or back to his place], but as it was I couldn't stay long enough to see the treatment through and bring her back home. Thankfully James was able to come pick her up after she was/is done there. I felt bad about leaving her there even though she had a back-up ride, but still. She was okay, but they did CAT scans in case since she has eye issues and stuff and wanted to make sure the incident that got her there didn't mess those up somehow among other [minor] things. Go figure, she got taken in for the CAT scan they took forever to coming around to get her for right after I left. Geez. 

So, with that in mind with being rained out earlier totally killed what I considered a rare "perfect night", but I'm not mad at Steph for that. I did what I felt a good friend had to do for a good friend truly in need. Earlier in the day before we all went out was bad for me, as after I woke up for the day I was still sleepy so Eric let me pass out for a little bit longer, and when he went to wake me up saying "I have to go somewhere, get up!" I totally overreacted against him assuming he was hinting at me going home, so I got into a depressive fit and started angrily chucking my shit back into bags, then going back to having an anxiety/depressive attack. I felt bad about being like that as it really wasn't about him, but more like me taking out my worries that I'd been bottling up inside me and taking them out onto him, without explaining what was "hanging me up". So I was happy when after I calmed down that he said I could come along [I'm still unsure if he obliged out of pity for me or if it's what he'd planned from the get-go]. I've still gotta continue working through my issues of refusing to share my problems with people out of fear they'll think I'm blowing things out of proportion and being stupid, or whatever else reasons I could've thought of. When I realize I'm beating myself over things that can be easily dealt with and really aren't as big a deal as I tend to make them out to be, instead of making me feel better, it often just makes me worse by subsequently pushing me even further into a depressive rather than anxious spiral. I'd thought up recently a method or mantra or whatever that I *knew* would work if I'd just actually apply it, but when I get like how I just described -- you know, one tends to not care about doing that and just staying in that funk. The cause of my behavior like that during the past few days stemmed from suddenly arising self-defeatist views that I just won't be able to anything right or any number of similar things. Things like keeping up with it all -- it started with the excitement about the new semester starting turning into fears that somehow I'll fuck it up by being lazy/procrastinating or just not time managing shit properly to accommodate classes or homework or keeping up with various other aspects of life that NEED my attention and get done. Shit like that.

As far as what I stated earlier in this post, I often forget the very concept of "routines" are more ingrained and important to me than I've ever realized. Or rather, not being as adaptable as I used to be when things don't go exactly or even as closed to planned. I'm not sure why I've become that way, but for whatever reason it just has. 

I suppose that sums up my day/night without rambling into more detail, but all I can say is that I'm really gonna hate the next 7 days [or longer, it depends, we'll see] especially after the semi-craziness tonight. I just hope it's not as bad as I think.

I really hate my tendencies to assume worst-case scenarios. Sometimes it good, but not when it becomes a chronic issue that fuels my anxiety issues. Anxiety attacks tend to just make me shut down, so to speak, instead of being encouragement to tackle the problems immediately or whatnot.

Eh, that's the end [for now]. (I reaaaally need to get into [among other (bad) habits] of reaching out to people and talking about problems and stuff and/or at least typing it up in a form of journal medium much like LJ or something.)
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"o.o" [Jul. 16th, 2010|01:53 pm]
桜井香津美
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[Current Mood |calmcalm]

Yesterday, I posted on my Twitter account about how "Big Time Rush" (a Nickelodeon show) was a cute show. Today, I notice a 'James Maslow' (an actor from the show) is apparently now following me. o_O; I checked it out, and it appears to be a "Verified Account". With him following 3,240 and with over 34,000 followers, I'm almost inclined to just feel a *little* bit special. haha

[/dorking out]
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I'm not normally... [Jul. 15th, 2010|01:40 am]
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...a vindictive, spiteful [etc] bitch, but when you are a really really stupid moronic bitch, I don't think you deserve to be able to file an injury claim against my auto insurance carrier.

They should have clauses in these policies against "stupid bitches". Geez.
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Damn car wrecks [Jul. 9th, 2010|11:13 pm]
桜井香津美
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[Current Mood |blahblah]

I was talking to my mom about how I had thought of extending Olivia's summer visit, but that I had decided against it in favor of the original timetable I had told to my ex so we could get her for our usual monthly weekend before school starts [for both of us, eep!] and so I could march ahead with preparing for my own schooling starting back up next month. I mentioned that "Man, we only have 2 weeks left". My mom then pointed out that, in fact, we only have a week left with her [one week from this Sunday]. :( Fuck, time flies. [We're also used to more extended summer visits, but eh, things just happened the way they did this summer.]

Between my car accident [which happened approximately a week or so after we picked her up] and also having no rental or replacement car to drive plus the sudden realization of just how little time we have left with Olivia this summer, it's all thrown a big monkey wrench into any plans I had with her for the summer or towards the end of this visit with her. Originally I planned to frequent Stephanie's a lot, partly because she also has a young child who could socialize with Olivia and otherwise keep both kids entertained and both Stephanie and I's sanity preserved somewhat. I've hardly been able to do that this summer. I had planned on catching the bus up to Tampa [a long but worthwhile ordeal], but due to various circumstances just haven't been able to make it up there that much [and the times I *have* been able to is thanks to the infrequent usage of my mom's car]. Just to note, I have no problem with taking Olivia on buses [in fact, she really loves riding on them]. I also planned on making one more trip up to north Florida to see my cousin Sarah again with Olivia before we brought her back to my ex, but it doesn't look like it will happen now, thanks to extending the rental vehicle I did have for the first trip up there longer than I planned and the subsequent result of having less money because of extending the rental plus the fact [as stated earlier] of the sudden realization of how little time we have left with Olivia. :( I had been willing to fork out money for another rental to make another trip, but as already stated just a sentence ago, that idea flew out the window.

Ah, well, c'est la vie, right?
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Writer's Block: The tenth time's the charm [Jul. 3rd, 2010|02:46 am]
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What movie have you seen the most times in your life? How many times have you seen it? Will you ever grow tired of it?

Off-hand, that I can remember the best, the movie I have seen the most is "Romy and Michele's High School Reunion"... I've probably seen it a 100 times (no joke), but I think I lost count after 53? ;-)

I haven't seen it in a while, mostly because my copy is VHS and my mom doesn't have a (working) VHS player anymore. I need to get off my butt and buy a DVD copy.

And no, I'll never get tired of it. It's my favorite unabashedly guilty pleasure. :D
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{PERSONAL} Writer's Block: Father nature [pt1] [Jun. 21st, 2010|02:23 am]
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[Current Location |United States, Florida, Clearwater]
[Current Mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[Current Music |King of the Hill]

What is your fondest childhood memory of your father or grandfather?

Question is a loaded-weapon, to be sure:.

To be sure, most of our days were anything but "fond", notably during my pre-teen and teen years. When I was a kid, I guess there were certain points I could consider "fond"--such as when we went fishing [before we sold our boat] or even when he gave what I called 'otches' [back scratches]. He'd usually use a 'Mickey Mouse' back scratcher we got when my mom's sister took us to Disney when I was 5 or 6 years old.

{{ Disclaimer: This is more of a fondest memory as far as "overall" than just about childhood }}

As far as "fond(est)", it's hard to pinpoint to a specific day, but it was definitely after his heart attack once he woke up from the medically induced coma. I was blunt with him like never seen before by me towards him [yet compassionate as I assumed I was his sole advocate], asked him all sorts of random questions about himself and the Sullivan family and about myself that I was simply curious about but had never gotten a chance to ask. On his end, I had to clarify memories he thought were real [that I won't delve into here] that weren't real.


My dad was NOT a bad man. He is not an evil men. From my observations, he seemed to live by the "Golden Words" -- 'You nice to me, then I'll be nice to you.' Unfortunately he encountered more evil and bad men that brought out HIS bad side more than his good side. He treated you for all intents and purposes the way you treated him--it goes both ways. I could be wrong, and I'm more than happy to be corrected, but we must go onwards in our story. Hopefully we can come back  to this topic later on.
 


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Damn drivers. [Jun. 7th, 2010|04:09 am]
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[Current Mood |dorkydorky]

I pull out of Steph's neighborhood onto Waters Ave [in Tampa], right blinker on as I'm preparing to turn right onto Waters. One car is coming, but it was in the far left lane [I was aiming for the middle]. As I pull into the middle lane, said car decided "Hey, let's be a total JACKASS and move into the middle lane [w/o signaling, might I add] as they're pulling into it!" and had the fucking audacity to honk at ME.

Seriously, when will auto companies create side or rear horns? Or a gigantic hand that raises from the roof of a car with the middle finger extended? Or something..
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One of many thoughts I (try to) live by [May. 31st, 2010|06:38 am]
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[Current Mood |contemplativecontemplative]

"Breathe deeply. Think positively. Clear your mind."

Easier said than done, perhaps. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

I just wished it worked more often than it doesn't. :p
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